answers to the end

hello. goodbye.

i really shouldn't lie.

i quit, not so long ago.

PDXPOPNOW!

I'm really bummed to have missed the PDXPOPNOW kickoff yesterday at City Hall. I was so looking forward to seeing all that great music with my family & friends. But today is another day. Full of things to do, places to be and people to see. Westfold @ Ash Street, sweet live stuff @ Rotture, Pink Mountain @ Backspace, Death Cab @ Edgefield, The Greater Midwest @ Kellys Olympian, the list goes on. A list of things I won't make it out to. Because I am broke and I am waiting for a call to do a phone interview with a cllothing re-sale company from the city. So, hopefully that works out and I'll be back out to support the crappy music business scavangers soon enough. Or maybe I'll just start hosting shows and booking them as well. We'll see.

getting fucked in the ass in the name of love

Maui Wowie,

I wish you were here with my right now. I need a chill pill, chill kill. My awesome sister just walked off on my in downtown hippieassfuckdykesvilleve. AKA Eugene, Oregon. Oh yeah, that was awesome since I haven't lived here for the last 7+ years and I don't know my way around. So, I walked back to my OTHER sisters house from, a bar somewhere downtown. In tears, you may ask. Yeah. Out of frusturation. Mad my supposed "boyfriend" won't answer his phone until the 6th time I call. Then when the 6th time comes around he says he didn't answer because he was "wrangling the casts in."

Since when did it take anyone an hour to wrangle cats? I mean, I give up after 10 minutes of hollerin.

Even cooler, he called me back in the midst of me leaving a rude but honest message about my situation - then when I answered his call, he didn't even bother to ask me - "What's up?"

RAD.

SO.

To break it down for you, I have a careless, heartless sister AND boyfriend.

JUST what I've always wanted.

WOE is me.

wah wah wah.

wahhh.

waaaant.

What I want is Jason Segel to be quite honest. And other not to be mentioned. Really what I want is to be back in Portland in the arms of my dear, sincere friends who actually seem to care about me. I miss Rachel & Golider & Nina & everyone.

What I want is to get through school and be successful.

I want to be in ATL with KRISTEN.

I want K to be here.

I want to be fucking appreciated by people I put time into. For example, my "sister" and my "boyfriend"

HAR HAR HAR HAR

JUST KIDDING

BECAUSE THAT WON'T HAPPEN

what a fucking joke. i have a better chance of winning the trillion dollar lottery than be a part of their fucking miniscule heart.

i just ask for and expect too much.

lesson of the day:

you're fucked no matter how much work you put into it. the end

job

Looking for a job is a huge pain in the ass. Working for free equally of an annoyance. Mind you, it doesn't bother me interning and getting diddly-squat for my time, hard work and effort. Even more, after doing intern business for awhile, it bothers me the company interning for doesn't offer me a job. Even a part-time job, I mean, what the fuck else are you supposed to intern for? Experience, I know. I've got it now. When a position arises in a company you intern for, wouldn't you think they may interview or approach you about that job?

Apparently not.

So, I'm gonna start researching and laying down some ideas to start something on my own. I'm sick of being unemployed and unemployable because I'm extending my services to all the wrong places. 

I had ideas earlier when I was really pissed off, 3 martinis later they've left the building. I'll figure something out, like always. I've just always been told that hard work pays off. 

Mother Fuck it does. Fuck everyone.

responsible, not

So Goldie keeps telling me to blog, what about I don't know. Today I didn't go to school again. I went out last night for my friend Nina's Birthday and watched a bunch of fools sing at Chopsticks. I sat around and talked with Bryan Swain & Era Erik, whom I went to High School with. I talked to Charles about how racially undiverse Portland really is, and how miserable he is here. I ordered another beer or 5 in between all these things. I also met another guy I went to high school with. His name was Michael, and I didn't remember him 1. because I was a stoner and didn't talk to anyone who wasn't cool like me 2. He was a drama-nerd.

I'm currently listening to a mix-cd my good friend Rachel made me, and I am thoroughly enjoying it. This song is very dancey and makes me want to drink and dance. There are some hip-hop songs that made me want to get stoned.

I cleaned my house after I got caught in the 5 minute storm. So, since I was soaked I went to the Ash and found Dio & Simon and drank and then ate Simons grilled cheese & tomato. 

I skipped school all week because I went out and got drunk every night. I have finals next week that I haven't thought about, let alone study for.

I have to compose a 2-part invention for my theory class that I haven't even been to in a week. I haven't started the fucking piece either. I also need to edit a modal mirror I wrote for theory, but you know, I really don't feel like doing either of those two things. I need to write up a paper about my internship, I need to write a paper about a seminar, I need to practice a song and ninth chords for my keyboard harmony class. I need to pay some bills. I need to get a job for the summer.  I need to go to Eugene to visit my sisters and mom. And my Grandpas grave. And my Grannys grave, if she even has one. And visit my aunt and cousin in Eugene. 

I need to really find a job, bad. I should probably concentrate on finishing all this shit for school, but I'd rather have a beer. See ya in a minute Hamms.

fuckin chessy raps

listening to chester french. alright, really i started out by listening to muse, which was just making me stoked on life and i kept listening to it on repeat so i was like, alirght yo, i need a change of pace. so i started at the front of my itunes on simons ipod which was including but not limited to the arcade fire and bright eyes. so of course i had to cry for like 30 minutes. then chester, oh fucking senior french, why do you get me everytime with your El-P remix, all that sexy rexy bass and down dirty dirty shit. it gets me. oh fuck yeah it does, its so bad its good.
GOOD GOD. fuck in a.
its taken me longer to edit this blog then it did to write it, if you get my feel. i am in no shape to write. let alone think or be awake.FUCK EN A.
ohmygodiwantyousobadstephencaseyicantstopthinkingabout youihadadreamaboutyoulastnight thatihaventtoldanyoneaboutexcept rachel. whyidontknowfuckmeforbeingsuchanassholefucfuckfuckfuckfuck

The Walls Bled Lust, Part I

why is it that some people listen to a certain song over, and over, and over, and over, and over, again, and again, and again?

i do it. i don't know why.

i think i want to do films, movies, entertainment.

entertain me.

good day oregon?

goodbye, oregon.

i am getting used to the idea of getting the fuck over it. okay, i am going to attempt to refrain from using stupid words to describe my feelings at the moment that might be associated with "cursing."

i am looking to get out, of this, right now, at this moment, at a few moments last night. i need a change of scene, i do want to leave the state and frawlick gayly else where, but momentarily i am thinking more relationship friendship status, quo. if you get what i mean.

drama is life, it's just a sad, pathetic and real part, i can deal, i do deal.

i just feel like others don't.

so, i just want to hang out with people who are a bit more real than other people that i've been kicking back beers with. i can deal with my drama, i can deal with your drama, but i can't deal with ya'll until you can start to deal with your own drama.

drama, drama, drama.

such a (insert curse word here) stupid descriptive word.

on to other things;

i went and saw Revolution Road today with Rachel, I much enjoyed it.

Like how I start to punctuate correctly when I talk about things I enjoy? Strange.

Anyhow, largely depressing, very real, but so good.

I also just happened to watch Puccini For Beginners, it was also largely amusing. More of an uplifter, like, life goes on after-woe for the Revolution Road.

I don't really stress or get anxieties about things.

I suppose I tend to let them pass. As others beg to differ and bicker over trivial foe-truths, foe-angst that's built up so much in their sub-consciousness, the conscious of my sub-conscious, I suppose. Rather than light a rat on fire and hang it by it's tail and let it all wail, and I don't really have a action for the reaction people tend to have - and I'm sorry, but like I have already kindly stated, I can't deal with your undealings of sorts. I may make-up words, but at least I can deal with the truth.

The truth is I am a people pleaser. So (insert another curse word here) off, man. I'm tired of pleasing some people, I am not tired of pleasing myself. I will do what it takes to please myself. To drink, to not drink. To smoke, to not smoke. To eat, to not eat.

To live, I am. Probably more real life situation, real life (insert another curse word here) life life life life life.

And that's just it, isin't it? It just goes on, and on, and on, and on.

(Curse word) lovely.

Either way, I am going to keep trucking on, doing what I want to do, doing what I dream to do, making me and my kitties and my relations happy and fun and a (curse word) fun time for all to (curse word) enjoy.

SO (CURSE WORD) YOU. Or not, mostly just that haters. Or whomever can't.