answers to the end

hello. goodbye.

i really shouldn't lie.

i quit, not so long ago.

PDXPOPNOW!

I'm really bummed to have missed the PDXPOPNOW kickoff yesterday at City Hall. I was so looking forward to seeing all that great music with my family & friends. But today is another day. Full of things to do, places to be and people to see. Westfold @ Ash Street, sweet live stuff @ Rotture, Pink Mountain @ Backspace, Death Cab @ Edgefield, The Greater Midwest @ Kellys Olympian, the list goes on. A list of things I won't make it out to. Because I am broke and I am waiting for a call to do a phone interview with a cllothing re-sale company from the city. So, hopefully that works out and I'll be back out to support the crappy music business scavangers soon enough. Or maybe I'll just start hosting shows and booking them as well. We'll see.

getting fucked in the ass in the name of love

Maui Wowie,

I wish you were here with my right now. I need a chill pill, chill kill. My awesome sister just walked off on my in downtown hippieassfuckdykesvilleve. AKA Eugene, Oregon. Oh yeah, that was awesome since I haven't lived here for the last 7+ years and I don't know my way around. So, I walked back to my OTHER sisters house from, a bar somewhere downtown. In tears, you may ask. Yeah. Out of frusturation. Mad my supposed "boyfriend" won't answer his phone until the 6th time I call. Then when the 6th time comes around he says he didn't answer because he was "wrangling the casts in."

Since when did it take anyone an hour to wrangle cats? I mean, I give up after 10 minutes of hollerin.

Even cooler, he called me back in the midst of me leaving a rude but honest message about my situation - then when I answered his call, he didn't even bother to ask me - "What's up?"

RAD.

SO.

To break it down for you, I have a careless, heartless sister AND boyfriend.

JUST what I've always wanted.

WOE is me.

wah wah wah.

wahhh.

waaaant.

What I want is Jason Segel to be quite honest. And other not to be mentioned. Really what I want is to be back in Portland in the arms of my dear, sincere friends who actually seem to care about me. I miss Rachel & Golider & Nina & everyone.

What I want is to get through school and be successful.

I want to be in ATL with KRISTEN.

I want K to be here.

I want to be fucking appreciated by people I put time into. For example, my "sister" and my "boyfriend"

HAR HAR HAR HAR

JUST KIDDING

BECAUSE THAT WON'T HAPPEN

what a fucking joke. i have a better chance of winning the trillion dollar lottery than be a part of their fucking miniscule heart.

i just ask for and expect too much.

lesson of the day:

you're fucked no matter how much work you put into it. the end

job

Looking for a job is a huge pain in the ass. Working for free equally of an annoyance. Mind you, it doesn't bother me interning and getting diddly-squat for my time, hard work and effort. Even more, after doing intern business for awhile, it bothers me the company interning for doesn't offer me a job. Even a part-time job, I mean, what the fuck else are you supposed to intern for? Experience, I know. I've got it now. When a position arises in a company you intern for, wouldn't you think they may interview or approach you about that job?

Apparently not.

So, I'm gonna start researching and laying down some ideas to start something on my own. I'm sick of being unemployed and unemployable because I'm extending my services to all the wrong places. 

I had ideas earlier when I was really pissed off, 3 martinis later they've left the building. I'll figure something out, like always. I've just always been told that hard work pays off. 

Mother Fuck it does. Fuck everyone.

responsible, not

So Goldie keeps telling me to blog, what about I don't know. Today I didn't go to school again. I went out last night for my friend Nina's Birthday and watched a bunch of fools sing at Chopsticks. I sat around and talked with Bryan Swain & Era Erik, whom I went to High School with. I talked to Charles about how racially undiverse Portland really is, and how miserable he is here. I ordered another beer or 5 in between all these things. I also met another guy I went to high school with. His name was Michael, and I didn't remember him 1. because I was a stoner and didn't talk to anyone who wasn't cool like me 2. He was a drama-nerd.

I'm currently listening to a mix-cd my good friend Rachel made me, and I am thoroughly enjoying it. This song is very dancey and makes me want to drink and dance. There are some hip-hop songs that made me want to get stoned.

I cleaned my house after I got caught in the 5 minute storm. So, since I was soaked I went to the Ash and found Dio & Simon and drank and then ate Simons grilled cheese & tomato. 

I skipped school all week because I went out and got drunk every night. I have finals next week that I haven't thought about, let alone study for.

I have to compose a 2-part invention for my theory class that I haven't even been to in a week. I haven't started the fucking piece either. I also need to edit a modal mirror I wrote for theory, but you know, I really don't feel like doing either of those two things. I need to write up a paper about my internship, I need to write a paper about a seminar, I need to practice a song and ninth chords for my keyboard harmony class. I need to pay some bills. I need to get a job for the summer.  I need to go to Eugene to visit my sisters and mom. And my Grandpas grave. And my Grannys grave, if she even has one. And visit my aunt and cousin in Eugene. 

I need to really find a job, bad. I should probably concentrate on finishing all this shit for school, but I'd rather have a beer. See ya in a minute Hamms.

fuckin chessy raps

listening to chester french. alright, really i started out by listening to muse, which was just making me stoked on life and i kept listening to it on repeat so i was like, alirght yo, i need a change of pace. so i started at the front of my itunes on simons ipod which was including but not limited to the arcade fire and bright eyes. so of course i had to cry for like 30 minutes. then chester, oh fucking senior french, why do you get me everytime with your El-P remix, all that sexy rexy bass and down dirty dirty shit. it gets me. oh fuck yeah it does, its so bad its good.
GOOD GOD. fuck in a.
its taken me longer to edit this blog then it did to write it, if you get my feel. i am in no shape to write. let alone think or be awake.FUCK EN A.
ohmygodiwantyousobadstephencaseyicantstopthinkingabout youihadadreamaboutyoulastnight thatihaventtoldanyoneaboutexcept rachel. whyidontknowfuckmeforbeingsuchanassholefucfuckfuckfuckfuck

The Walls Bled Lust, Part I

why is it that some people listen to a certain song over, and over, and over, and over, and over, again, and again, and again?

i do it. i don't know why.

i think i want to do films, movies, entertainment.

entertain me.

good day oregon?

goodbye, oregon.

i am getting used to the idea of getting the fuck over it. okay, i am going to attempt to refrain from using stupid words to describe my feelings at the moment that might be associated with "cursing."

i am looking to get out, of this, right now, at this moment, at a few moments last night. i need a change of scene, i do want to leave the state and frawlick gayly else where, but momentarily i am thinking more relationship friendship status, quo. if you get what i mean.

drama is life, it's just a sad, pathetic and real part, i can deal, i do deal.

i just feel like others don't.

so, i just want to hang out with people who are a bit more real than other people that i've been kicking back beers with. i can deal with my drama, i can deal with your drama, but i can't deal with ya'll until you can start to deal with your own drama.

drama, drama, drama.

such a (insert curse word here) stupid descriptive word.

on to other things;

i went and saw Revolution Road today with Rachel, I much enjoyed it.

Like how I start to punctuate correctly when I talk about things I enjoy? Strange.

Anyhow, largely depressing, very real, but so good.

I also just happened to watch Puccini For Beginners, it was also largely amusing. More of an uplifter, like, life goes on after-woe for the Revolution Road.

I don't really stress or get anxieties about things.

I suppose I tend to let them pass. As others beg to differ and bicker over trivial foe-truths, foe-angst that's built up so much in their sub-consciousness, the conscious of my sub-conscious, I suppose. Rather than light a rat on fire and hang it by it's tail and let it all wail, and I don't really have a action for the reaction people tend to have - and I'm sorry, but like I have already kindly stated, I can't deal with your undealings of sorts. I may make-up words, but at least I can deal with the truth.

The truth is I am a people pleaser. So (insert another curse word here) off, man. I'm tired of pleasing some people, I am not tired of pleasing myself. I will do what it takes to please myself. To drink, to not drink. To smoke, to not smoke. To eat, to not eat.

To live, I am. Probably more real life situation, real life (insert another curse word here) life life life life life.

And that's just it, isin't it? It just goes on, and on, and on, and on.

(Curse word) lovely.

Either way, I am going to keep trucking on, doing what I want to do, doing what I dream to do, making me and my kitties and my relations happy and fun and a (curse word) fun time for all to (curse word) enjoy.

SO (CURSE WORD) YOU. Or not, mostly just that haters. Or whomever can't.

 

compiling

This is a list of my new favorite albums, as of this years. Maybe even if they weren't released this years. Emphasis on the over-emphasized (s).

In Ear Park - Department of Eagles

I can't get more into any whole album more than this one for the past 2 & 1/2 months. I just don't know what to do! So pretty, so sad, melancholy. AMAZING!

Church Mouth - Portugal. The Man

I've listened to this in an unmountable (times) it's great for: dancing, walking, bike riding, listening quietly on the bus, listening to loudly on the bus, rocking out to when drunk in a club, rocking out to sober/enebriated at a live show, super loud on surround sound speakers in your bedroom alone, super loud on stereo speakers when you have people over and want to sing, etc.

desperate times...

They don't necessarily call for desperate measures. Maybe just more, thoughtful, ideal, dyi measures. After rummaging through my penny jar to find enough nickels and dimes to get a nic fix, I decided to be done with the web. Promptly after doing so, I got back on the web and looked for an easy fix. I googled just about everything imaginable to someone who has a sewing machine, art supplies and a brand new bottle of glue. simple sewing projects, simple curtain patterns, simple sun dress patterns, etc. Out of these I found my new favorite blog, it's so inspiring! http://angrychicken.typepad/angry_chicken It refuses to copy & paste for some reason, so I hope that works, either way, google it and you'll find it I'm sure. I want to be this woman! And how bizarre is it that she is from Portland? So all the little shops she talks about going to find these stamps, projects, papers and stuff and only a bike-ride away? Totally amazed right now. I have been making cards. I found this great vintage organ book at Value Village in Eugene over the weekend. I stole this idea from my friend, Kristen, who gave me my Christmas card in an envelope made from music paper. She also wrapped the little boxes of magnets she made for me in the sheet music paper she found at the bins - digressing... Anyhow, I got some of this organ sheet music and started making Birthday cards. My Dad & Kristens Birthday happens to fall on the same day. I went through my little art box and magically found some red-board paper - still enough to glue to the inside of a hamburger-style folded piece of sheet music and write a cute little birthday note. I also had all these cheesy scrap-booking things I had got from a garage sale when I was probably 15. Including a small pack with stars and balloons. Balloons are perfect for any Birthday, but the stars were great considering my Dad turned the big FIVE-OH this year. The first 2 were shabby, as I haven't practiced arts & crafts since I was in Elementary school - but this third one I'm working on is proving to look better thus far. It's for my friend Rachel - the card so far includes the sheet music with a big star - the middle of the star is cut out to frame a picture, so I had to find the best cheesy moment picture I had from photography of her. It's a bit dark, so I won't be able to scan it, but it's the closest to perfect I got. On the star is also a ribbon and balloon - so I think it will come out well. I still need to trim the red paper down for the interior and then trim out the exterior. Point being, it's fun! And easy! What would make it easier is if I had some money to go buy some much needed supplies like a good pair of scissors, a cutting board, some more tough paper and pens to decorate and stamps. Maybe, when I become an art major, after I'm done with doing my whole business major but not before the veterinary thing - first I just got to get done with this music thing. I got all A's and one C this term - it screwed my GPA that C it did, but it's much better than I expected and much more than I deserved. I did go through a lot this term - and I think my other teachers that to my Theory teacher who gave me the C instead of failing me which is what I expected. Thanks to God or whomever he didn't. I am going to work my ass off this term to get a better GPA - I believe it's at 3.66 as of now, not including previous colleges - 3.4 would be my guess all together. I'm due for another smoke - what is it when you don't smoke all day then feel the need to catch up? I'm not sure, maybe its just the nicotine is just not sufficient enough in these rolled cigarettes. I'm going to try to post pictures of these projects. I'm feeling ballsy right now only because of this current inspiration, who knows what will happen tomorrow.

Dear Past & Present,

I used to blog a lot. I think I've fallen off the wagon. I used to be literate and have mindful things to say, and I think I've fallen off that wagon. I read and I think, often, but the words I choose just don't sound right, to me, when I write. So, I stopped. Or I just stop. What happened to my writing? 

No, Mother, I do not want to take a writing class, I dislike writing about any given subject, or I love it. It's a love/hate relationship. Okay, Mother, I'll just start researching subject I enjoy and write a bit about them.

When I was a freshman in High School, we had impromtue writing assignments every morning. At first, I did not dig it, at all. We had to write about a quote the teacher wrote on the chalk board; It was usually a quote from an old philosopher such as Aristotle or someone of the likes.

I did not share until my teacher made me. For some stupid reason, she saw some stupid light shining down onto my big brown crown and thought my stupid mouth had something to share about the subject. So, I nervously read whatever comments I had written down about whatever quote she had written, and that was that. It was instant twinkle in her eye and she decided my insight was so superior I had to share, everyday.

Yes, this built up my confidence, but I still did not think my writing was special, by far not superior. 

And I still do not.

I am going to find the little journal she made us keep and look up some of the quotes she had us write down and my opinion on these quotes. For today, I'll leave this, my opinion of the weather.

It beautiful outside, sun shining on every little green shred of grass in the park. Flowers popping up and blossoming on tree's up and down all of these streets. The wide was strong. A force to be reckoned with. As I peddled my bike up N.E. Broadway from N. Vancouver, I thought I might as well try to reckon with this gusty mass. So I peddled all my might into it, steading forward, I thought so well, what a clear ride on such a beautiful day. One more gust came to my face, sweeping scattered pebbles, dirt and pollen from freshly cut grass into my unprotected eyes. Next time, I thought, I should bring sun glasses with me. But even if I had brought sun glasses, my head would be aching from squinching up my nose to keep the electric blue shades from falling off my sun dampened face. 

Thank you sun for keeping it bright this season. Thank you wind for keeping me cool on bike rides with too much baggage. Fuck you sun for shining so bright, my forehead hurts from squinting when I get home. Fuck you wind, for gusting all sorts of shabby earth into my eyes, nose and mouth.

I'm just trying to ride home, eco-friendly.

Fuck you brain for not writing what I think.

chapter 1

alright, i get, it. somewhat. i understand, you're under a lot of pressure. un-related incidents, unknown friends, foe or enemy? i'm not sure either. honestly, if you weren't what you are to me, i am not too sure i would be friends with you. most of the time, i love you. not because i have to, but because i do. sometimes, i like you, but most of the time i despise you and your unwilling, desperate ways to gather attention, popularity, attention, popularity. everything you do is what you're against. supposedly.

then again, you are a liar. not just sometimes a liar, not just like you were going through one of those phases in high school when you were a liar about everything to make yourself look cool and feel better, but just a flat out, straight up, butt-fucking liar.

it disgusts me. it infuriates me.

i hate liars.

that's an understatement.

i can't even use a word to describe how much i dislike liars. hate is just not strong enough.

users, abusers.

gross, tacky. not my friend.

i just don't know anymore. how to deal with people like this in my life. 

not that i have many to deal with. i thought people left this kind of shit behind in middle school, or high school if it was really that bad. is that what it's for or not? that's what i thought.

but now i know, it's a joke. most people are jokes.

honestly, i can only think of a handful of people, family, friends, i know with integrity. 

horrid. horrifying. i don't know why i still am friends, or love these people. they are good people, in heart. but the way they portray themselves, it's just disgusting. so, depressing. and i don't get depressed often, if at all. 

depressing issue's is something i try to avoid.

well, not avoid, i deal with them, just not publicly. i don't like people feeling sorry for me, yet, 90% of the people i know, totally thrive on it. it's so gross.

so disturbing.

i'm constantly re-evaluating my relationships with friends and the likes, and it's so hard.

to decide, whether to just drop it or hang in there, little buddy.

and that's what i always say;

hang in there little buddy, chin up chin up.

my chin IS up, has been for a while. i have been hangin' in there. FOR EVERYONE.

now my lifeline is just like, blah. i mean, great.

i am stoked beyond stoked with what i am doing, and where i am going and what i am achieving and my goals.

my best friend is gone though. she just is, gone.

my other best friend is still here, just 2000+ miles away.

my family is gone, well, not really. just parts of it.

i am done with saying whatever.

i will brush it off if it's not a big deal, but i am sick of sitting back and watching people i know fuck themselves in the ass then come crying to me for support. i will not stand for this anymore. and i will say my two pence. and if they don't like it, they can do something about it.

actually, this has been done already, on my part.

hasn't had the best of outcomes, but honestly, i'm sick of lying to people for fear of their insecurities. fuck ya'll. you the one's fuckin' your own asses.

cheaters. liars. heated lies.

so disgusting, it's making me sick.

rob & BIG

these guys make so much money. i want to make money. not that i desperately need money right now, i just desire a large amount in order to do some things.

at this moment these things are, in no particular order;

1. go up & down the oregon coast and tour & photograph all the lighthouses with a holga. hopefully simon is still planning on buying me a holga for my birthday so i don't have to put that on my list as well. for the time being we'll just leave it off.

2. pay off my credit card debt, medical bills & student loans

3. travel to mexico, los angeles, new york city and take pictures with my holga.

4. buy a house in portland. with hardwood floors.

5. go down by the train tracks and take pictures with my holga.

6. buy a pair of those vintage nike's.

7. take a vacation to kah-nee-tah and swim in the warm springs, go horseback riding, play mini-golf & gamble in the casino.

letting lies fly

all is well, indeed with everything. i am really excited about traveling as i booked a flight with lauren, asia and mary to new orleans at the end of april to visit the south with our fellow southern friends who left to go back a few days ago. it's going to be perfect. the weather will be prime and i'll get to re-hash on some lost childhood memories. also hangout on the beautiful beach in florida. camping and adventuring, jamming and tanning. swimming in the gulf. a awesome belated spring break if you will.

pretty busy with school and interning with mike thrasher again. i was hoping to score another internship and book for PDXPOPNOW! but i guess everything can't go my way. it's my own fault, i responded to the e-mail too late. but hey, what can you do?

currently, i'm missing my friend kristen. i'm also feeling a bit down about caring for my friends. i seems to sit on situations for too long and when i honestly try to do some good it just back fires and as someone told me "diareeha comes spewing out of your mouth." so, i guess i'll just keep it closed from now own, if they care not for the truth. i guess it's not really bothering me considering their group of friends volunteered me to confront them about it. i don't know why i went along. i didn't even want to, but after much persuasion and bickering, that shit came spewing from my mouth. i guess the truth is hard to handle, especially when you have a good heap of lies to burrow through first.

i'm happy. i'm no liar. damn glad too.