The Walls Bled Lust, Part I

why is it that some people listen to a certain song over, and over, and over, and over, and over, again, and again, and again?

i do it. i don't know why.

i think i want to do films, movies, entertainment.

entertain me.

good day oregon?

goodbye, oregon.

i am getting used to the idea of getting the fuck over it. okay, i am going to attempt to refrain from using stupid words to describe my feelings at the moment that might be associated with "cursing."

i am looking to get out, of this, right now, at this moment, at a few moments last night. i need a change of scene, i do want to leave the state and frawlick gayly else where, but momentarily i am thinking more relationship friendship status, quo. if you get what i mean.

drama is life, it's just a sad, pathetic and real part, i can deal, i do deal.

i just feel like others don't.

so, i just want to hang out with people who are a bit more real than other people that i've been kicking back beers with. i can deal with my drama, i can deal with your drama, but i can't deal with ya'll until you can start to deal with your own drama.

drama, drama, drama.

such a (insert curse word here) stupid descriptive word.

on to other things;

i went and saw Revolution Road today with Rachel, I much enjoyed it.

Like how I start to punctuate correctly when I talk about things I enjoy? Strange.

Anyhow, largely depressing, very real, but so good.

I also just happened to watch Puccini For Beginners, it was also largely amusing. More of an uplifter, like, life goes on after-woe for the Revolution Road.

I don't really stress or get anxieties about things.

I suppose I tend to let them pass. As others beg to differ and bicker over trivial foe-truths, foe-angst that's built up so much in their sub-consciousness, the conscious of my sub-conscious, I suppose. Rather than light a rat on fire and hang it by it's tail and let it all wail, and I don't really have a action for the reaction people tend to have - and I'm sorry, but like I have already kindly stated, I can't deal with your undealings of sorts. I may make-up words, but at least I can deal with the truth.

The truth is I am a people pleaser. So (insert another curse word here) off, man. I'm tired of pleasing some people, I am not tired of pleasing myself. I will do what it takes to please myself. To drink, to not drink. To smoke, to not smoke. To eat, to not eat.

To live, I am. Probably more real life situation, real life (insert another curse word here) life life life life life.

And that's just it, isin't it? It just goes on, and on, and on, and on.

(Curse word) lovely.

Either way, I am going to keep trucking on, doing what I want to do, doing what I dream to do, making me and my kitties and my relations happy and fun and a (curse word) fun time for all to (curse word) enjoy.

SO (CURSE WORD) YOU. Or not, mostly just that haters. Or whomever can't.

 

compiling

This is a list of my new favorite albums, as of this years. Maybe even if they weren't released this years. Emphasis on the over-emphasized (s).

In Ear Park - Department of Eagles

I can't get more into any whole album more than this one for the past 2 & 1/2 months. I just don't know what to do! So pretty, so sad, melancholy. AMAZING!

Church Mouth - Portugal. The Man

I've listened to this in an unmountable (times) it's great for: dancing, walking, bike riding, listening quietly on the bus, listening to loudly on the bus, rocking out to when drunk in a club, rocking out to sober/enebriated at a live show, super loud on surround sound speakers in your bedroom alone, super loud on stereo speakers when you have people over and want to sing, etc.

desperate times...

They don't necessarily call for desperate measures. Maybe just more, thoughtful, ideal, dyi measures. After rummaging through my penny jar to find enough nickels and dimes to get a nic fix, I decided to be done with the web. Promptly after doing so, I got back on the web and looked for an easy fix. I googled just about everything imaginable to someone who has a sewing machine, art supplies and a brand new bottle of glue. simple sewing projects, simple curtain patterns, simple sun dress patterns, etc. Out of these I found my new favorite blog, it's so inspiring! http://angrychicken.typepad/angry_chicken It refuses to copy & paste for some reason, so I hope that works, either way, google it and you'll find it I'm sure. I want to be this woman! And how bizarre is it that she is from Portland? So all the little shops she talks about going to find these stamps, projects, papers and stuff and only a bike-ride away? Totally amazed right now. I have been making cards. I found this great vintage organ book at Value Village in Eugene over the weekend. I stole this idea from my friend, Kristen, who gave me my Christmas card in an envelope made from music paper. She also wrapped the little boxes of magnets she made for me in the sheet music paper she found at the bins - digressing... Anyhow, I got some of this organ sheet music and started making Birthday cards. My Dad & Kristens Birthday happens to fall on the same day. I went through my little art box and magically found some red-board paper - still enough to glue to the inside of a hamburger-style folded piece of sheet music and write a cute little birthday note. I also had all these cheesy scrap-booking things I had got from a garage sale when I was probably 15. Including a small pack with stars and balloons. Balloons are perfect for any Birthday, but the stars were great considering my Dad turned the big FIVE-OH this year. The first 2 were shabby, as I haven't practiced arts & crafts since I was in Elementary school - but this third one I'm working on is proving to look better thus far. It's for my friend Rachel - the card so far includes the sheet music with a big star - the middle of the star is cut out to frame a picture, so I had to find the best cheesy moment picture I had from photography of her. It's a bit dark, so I won't be able to scan it, but it's the closest to perfect I got. On the star is also a ribbon and balloon - so I think it will come out well. I still need to trim the red paper down for the interior and then trim out the exterior. Point being, it's fun! And easy! What would make it easier is if I had some money to go buy some much needed supplies like a good pair of scissors, a cutting board, some more tough paper and pens to decorate and stamps. Maybe, when I become an art major, after I'm done with doing my whole business major but not before the veterinary thing - first I just got to get done with this music thing. I got all A's and one C this term - it screwed my GPA that C it did, but it's much better than I expected and much more than I deserved. I did go through a lot this term - and I think my other teachers that to my Theory teacher who gave me the C instead of failing me which is what I expected. Thanks to God or whomever he didn't. I am going to work my ass off this term to get a better GPA - I believe it's at 3.66 as of now, not including previous colleges - 3.4 would be my guess all together. I'm due for another smoke - what is it when you don't smoke all day then feel the need to catch up? I'm not sure, maybe its just the nicotine is just not sufficient enough in these rolled cigarettes. I'm going to try to post pictures of these projects. I'm feeling ballsy right now only because of this current inspiration, who knows what will happen tomorrow.

Dear Past & Present,

I used to blog a lot. I think I've fallen off the wagon. I used to be literate and have mindful things to say, and I think I've fallen off that wagon. I read and I think, often, but the words I choose just don't sound right, to me, when I write. So, I stopped. Or I just stop. What happened to my writing? 

No, Mother, I do not want to take a writing class, I dislike writing about any given subject, or I love it. It's a love/hate relationship. Okay, Mother, I'll just start researching subject I enjoy and write a bit about them.

When I was a freshman in High School, we had impromtue writing assignments every morning. At first, I did not dig it, at all. We had to write about a quote the teacher wrote on the chalk board; It was usually a quote from an old philosopher such as Aristotle or someone of the likes.

I did not share until my teacher made me. For some stupid reason, she saw some stupid light shining down onto my big brown crown and thought my stupid mouth had something to share about the subject. So, I nervously read whatever comments I had written down about whatever quote she had written, and that was that. It was instant twinkle in her eye and she decided my insight was so superior I had to share, everyday.

Yes, this built up my confidence, but I still did not think my writing was special, by far not superior. 

And I still do not.

I am going to find the little journal she made us keep and look up some of the quotes she had us write down and my opinion on these quotes. For today, I'll leave this, my opinion of the weather.

It beautiful outside, sun shining on every little green shred of grass in the park. Flowers popping up and blossoming on tree's up and down all of these streets. The wide was strong. A force to be reckoned with. As I peddled my bike up N.E. Broadway from N. Vancouver, I thought I might as well try to reckon with this gusty mass. So I peddled all my might into it, steading forward, I thought so well, what a clear ride on such a beautiful day. One more gust came to my face, sweeping scattered pebbles, dirt and pollen from freshly cut grass into my unprotected eyes. Next time, I thought, I should bring sun glasses with me. But even if I had brought sun glasses, my head would be aching from squinching up my nose to keep the electric blue shades from falling off my sun dampened face. 

Thank you sun for keeping it bright this season. Thank you wind for keeping me cool on bike rides with too much baggage. Fuck you sun for shining so bright, my forehead hurts from squinting when I get home. Fuck you wind, for gusting all sorts of shabby earth into my eyes, nose and mouth.

I'm just trying to ride home, eco-friendly.

Fuck you brain for not writing what I think.

chapter 1

alright, i get, it. somewhat. i understand, you're under a lot of pressure. un-related incidents, unknown friends, foe or enemy? i'm not sure either. honestly, if you weren't what you are to me, i am not too sure i would be friends with you. most of the time, i love you. not because i have to, but because i do. sometimes, i like you, but most of the time i despise you and your unwilling, desperate ways to gather attention, popularity, attention, popularity. everything you do is what you're against. supposedly.

then again, you are a liar. not just sometimes a liar, not just like you were going through one of those phases in high school when you were a liar about everything to make yourself look cool and feel better, but just a flat out, straight up, butt-fucking liar.

it disgusts me. it infuriates me.

i hate liars.

that's an understatement.

i can't even use a word to describe how much i dislike liars. hate is just not strong enough.

users, abusers.

gross, tacky. not my friend.

i just don't know anymore. how to deal with people like this in my life. 

not that i have many to deal with. i thought people left this kind of shit behind in middle school, or high school if it was really that bad. is that what it's for or not? that's what i thought.

but now i know, it's a joke. most people are jokes.

honestly, i can only think of a handful of people, family, friends, i know with integrity. 

horrid. horrifying. i don't know why i still am friends, or love these people. they are good people, in heart. but the way they portray themselves, it's just disgusting. so, depressing. and i don't get depressed often, if at all. 

depressing issue's is something i try to avoid.

well, not avoid, i deal with them, just not publicly. i don't like people feeling sorry for me, yet, 90% of the people i know, totally thrive on it. it's so gross.

so disturbing.

i'm constantly re-evaluating my relationships with friends and the likes, and it's so hard.

to decide, whether to just drop it or hang in there, little buddy.

and that's what i always say;

hang in there little buddy, chin up chin up.

my chin IS up, has been for a while. i have been hangin' in there. FOR EVERYONE.

now my lifeline is just like, blah. i mean, great.

i am stoked beyond stoked with what i am doing, and where i am going and what i am achieving and my goals.

my best friend is gone though. she just is, gone.

my other best friend is still here, just 2000+ miles away.

my family is gone, well, not really. just parts of it.

i am done with saying whatever.

i will brush it off if it's not a big deal, but i am sick of sitting back and watching people i know fuck themselves in the ass then come crying to me for support. i will not stand for this anymore. and i will say my two pence. and if they don't like it, they can do something about it.

actually, this has been done already, on my part.

hasn't had the best of outcomes, but honestly, i'm sick of lying to people for fear of their insecurities. fuck ya'll. you the one's fuckin' your own asses.

cheaters. liars. heated lies.

so disgusting, it's making me sick.